In today’s day and age single is the new black. Monogamy is as outdated as the plague and about as fashionable as corduroy and that seems to suit me just fine. I am a single man. As single as they come. I could be a freakin’ billboard for the cause. Greeting hugs aside; bumping into people at a busy intersection is probably the most personal interaction I get.
That’s not to say I’m some kind of ogre. I’m an alright catch, and am constantly told this by my parents and reflection in my mirror. In any internet dating site I could be in most people’s top forty desired and would make regular hits on track lists everywhere. But with people I don’t seem to work out, I fumble and fail and fall and always drunkenly crawl back to my room alone. This actually suits me perfectly – I have a pretty decent relationship with my things.
After a long day at work, there’s nothing more satisfying than coming home and being greeted by the sensor light at my front porch – always happy to say hello, with Chris Traeger-like enthusiasm, every time as flashingly peppy as the last. What better way to unwind than chilling out to the comforting glow of a televisions hum? It rocks me to sleep, filling my head with adventurous dreams and excitement way beyond my own imaginary capabilities.
In fact, I have a special relationship with all my electronic goods.
My alarm lovingly awakes me with its greeting, persistent beep, which is quite unlike the obnoxious beep of the impatient microwave harping away in the kitchen like a forgotten baby. The kettle whistles a regular jolty tune and the radio keeps me company as my toaster lovingly toasts. I sit in the kitchen eating my meals, comforted by the subtle but tinny presence of the refrigerator.
My laptop practically spoons me in bed, keeping me warm on those cold, cold nights and entertaining me with its antics and informing me of the daily news. Reddit and imgur keep me lolling away in the dark with unknown friends millions of k’s away – many a good time to be had in an electronic orgy of laughs. The lamp that oversees my book reading covers me in what I presume is the same warmth of a human lying in the other half of the bed, simulating comfort like a light bulb in a nest.
When I have a night to myself, I like to address my astronomical DVD collection. Who will enchant me tonight? They practically jump out at me, like mice at the ready. Marilyn, you and your antics. Samuel L? Bit heavy for a Tuesday. The Goonies? Take me away, let’s have an adventure! Video games are even one step closer – you can insert yourself into the electronic world like nothing else, escaping to the fullest extent of pixel law. That opening ‘ping’ when booting up; like an old friends greeting. Welcome back, they say with a wink.
My fan caresses me in the hot and sticky months, cooling me and playing games by revolving around the room. I like to imagine it saying to me “I’m your biggest and most oscillating fan!” We joke around like that. My stereo, when turned on and off, reliably says hello or goodbye, holding forever a place in my day.
But this life, like any I suppose, can get one down. On these blue days I turn to eBay, ignoring the search bar (I never shop when upset, that’s how I ended up with denim overalls and a terrarium); I go straight to my feedback section.
“Great buyer, would deal with again”
“Good buyer, prompt payment, valued customer, highly recommended”
“º¤ø,¸¸, PLEASURE TO DEAL WITH • • AAA+++ • • VERY PROFESSIONAL ,¸¸,ø¤º”
“Top Notch. Thanks. All Good”
Everyone needs to be told they’re great sometimes, and eBay gives comment after positive comment, in fact a 100% perfect rating, and it is intoxicating.
When I first arrive in the office of the morning, I smash a game of Spider Solitaire and it tells me I’m a winner. Yes, I say to myself, I am. I keep this page open all day as a reminder.
There is nothing better than being a single man in an electronic world; everything you could ever need is there, buzzing for your attention, loving you unconditionally in return and if you ever died, they wouldn’t eat your cold, lonely remains.