In today’s day and age single is the new black. Monogamy is as outdated as the plague and about as fashionable as corduroy and that seems to suit me just fine. I am a single man. As single as they come. I could be a freakin’ billboard for the cause. Greeting hugs aside; bumping into people at a busy intersection is probably the most personal interaction I get.
Everyone has firsts. There are unlimited possibilities of firsts in one’s life, some odd, some life changing and memorable, and some so casual you don’t even notice them, like the first fly to land on your arm. For me, the first time I attempted to stalk someone was a memorable event in my life, but whether it changed me or not remains to be seen. It definitely didn’t help with my creep-factor though.
You think you know yourself. You think you are a certain type of person, you have yourself sorted in the naughty and nice list. Then one day, one single act can juggle it all to shit and before you know if you are that guy who once spat on someone.
So you know that episode of The Simpsons when Homer eats that orange really fecocious and animal-esque? Well sometimes when I’m alone I like to eat my oranges this way and tonight thought I would treat myself when I was given a left over orange at work, and had some time to spare before closing up. I went to town on that orange, ripping with my teeth and sucking the juice and shredding what I could with my mouth and letting my bizarre animal nature take over. Satisfied, I pulled my head up from the massacre and found a little old lady staring intensely at me, poised to ask a question. Face covered in sticky sweetness, orange shards still in my teeth like angry pubes, I try not to freak out, swallow what remains in my mouth and say calmly, “Can I help you?”. She replies – “I was going to ask for the bathroom, but I actually think I’m ok”, and walks away.
…..Another day, another winning interraction with a human.
I don’t know if you guys have heard of the latest internet campaign but it’s one that I feel is a real issue in today’s society.
The “Give Ugly Girls a Chance” campaign.
This is a shitty video I made at my work for the staff to fix a carpet sweeper when it breaks. It happens all the time and everyone is too lazy to be bothered to do so.
This is a response by one of the staff:
First times are always awkward. They always have been and always will be till the end of time until people stop doing things because people generally learn on the go, preparation be damned. So, like glaring down at that first shaft staring at you in anticipation, you brace yourself and dive on in…
As Jesus once said, “These are the thoughts that go through my head.”
Wait, that was Alanis Morissette. Shit. I’ve blown it already…