Some Things That Can Eat My D*&K

by H D Thompson

–          Christmas. It’s only October and the halls are already getting decked with boughs of holly. The tinsel, the fake snow, the red and the green power-clashing in the worst most fuck ugly way; it all makes me want to vomit in someone’s mouth. The only good thing to come out of Christmas are the tacky kitsch jumpers, but it’s fucking summer down in this hemisphere and we have no use of them.

–          Sentences like “Quinoa paste on fair trade cotton canvas”. SUCK ALL THE FUCKS THERE IS I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

–          Star Fruit. Mostly because of a falsified idea of what this fruit could do for me, sprouting from a childhood affiliation of too much Mario games. THIS FRUIT WILL NOT GIVE YOU POWERS.

–          Diets. There is nothing more hilarious to me than the words “portion control”. Eat my dick every diet ever.

–          Celery seeds. I saw a specific antique jar for you the other day. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN. I have no time for this crap.

–          One-ply tissues. Useless pieces of shit. What can I do with you? You’re so thin and flimsy you’re basically a piece of heavy air. There is no discharge from my body that can be mopped up by you. You’re a fucking waste of time and energy. Fuck off.

–          Sticker Families on the back of cars. What is your purpose? To anger the people behind you? What a poor excuse for self-expression and humanity in general.

–          Children. WHY DO YOU FEEL SO MUCH EMOTION?! Calm the fuck down all kids ever; stop feeling so much and just chill out.

–          Overly aggressive happy charity people. Fuck off! If I wanted to join your charity I would approach you, you don’t have to accost me when all I want to do is buy cooking chocolate and eat unbaked brownie mix alone in my kitchen. WE GET IT, you’re better people than we. Fuck off and die.

–          Specific cutlery. A fork is a fork you deadshit, I don’t have any time for pretentious dicks like salad forks or seafood forks. Relish forks? Drop dead you cocked up waste of metal.

–          Boring people. There is nothing worse than boring people. Seriously, engaging with a boring person is like someone lightly sprinkling acid in your eye. I’d like to see you bore your way back onto that bridge I just threw you off.

–          Slut Shamers. Everyone knows these people – they’re the ones who get weirdly offended at women who use their sexuality in any way other than Victorian-level conservative and make it a point to yell their disapproval off the rooftops to the NO ONE that is listening below. PUHLEASE! As if you haven’t been hog tied and covered in the cum of seventeen sailors like the rest of us. Fuck off and keep your moronic opinions shoved up your dried up old cunt where they belong.

–           Tangled earphones. Seriously. What the fuck? It’s like they Toy Story themselves when you’re not around. Fucking assholes.

–          iPhone battery. I have had erections that have lasted longer.

–          Pure-breeds. I have no time for these inbred twats, parading around like they’re god’s gift. Here’s a tip, stop fucking your family and live a little. Give me a mongrel any day.

–          Dressage. As if “Horse Dancing” isn’t already the worst thing in the world, they have to go and call a section of it ‘Dressage’. Every time someone says the word Dressage an attractive baby dies.

–          Youths who link arms as they walk down the street. How do you not know you’re taking up the entire pavement? You know where else is a great place for you guys to walk? Slightly to the side into oncoming traffic. Your corpses will look like Barrel Monkeys.

–          Herbal Tea. You’re nothing but a flower pissing into a cup and I hate everything about you and everything you stand for as an entity in this world.

–          Inspirational Memes. You know what else is inspiring? Blowing me.

–          And of course, Tony Abbott.

#H