More Things That Can F*#king Eat Me

– Enthusiastic housemates. I don’t care that you have managed to cross off all the things on your to do list before midday, I really don’t. I don’t care that you actualised your dreams, I really don’t. All I care about is lying here on this couch, in this dark room, eating these end-of-day-discount donuts and watching The Golden Girls. Please take your enthusiasm for life to another room and fuck it if it’s that tangible.

– Whoever the fuck keeps naming Melbourne the world’s most liveable city or whatever. Please stop, my rent is high enough as it is, fuck off and stop making my home expensive. Continue reading “More Things That Can F*#king Eat Me” →

Some Things That Can Eat My D*&K

– Christmas. It’s only October and the halls are already getting decked with boughs of holly. The tinsel, the fake snow, the red and the green power-clashing in the worst most fuck ugly way; it all makes me want to vomit in someone’s mouth. The only good thing to come out of Christmas are the tacky kitsch jumpers, but it’s fucking summer down in this hemisphere and we have no use of them. Continue reading “Some Things That Can Eat My D*&K” →

Single Man in an Electronic World

In today’s day and age single is the new black. Monogamy is as outdated as the plague and about as fashionable as corduroy and that seems to suit me just fine. I am a single man. As single as they come. I could be a freakin’ billboard for the cause. Greeting hugs aside; bumping into people at a busy intersection is probably the most personal interaction I get.

Continue reading “Single Man in an Electronic World” →